Planet Waiting

Such an exciting and happy time. I don't want to keep complaining about the waiting. But as I wait for exciting and happy things to write about I realize I am on Planet Waiting for the duration. Time to make peace.

I first visited this planet during our four years of waiting to get pregnant, but at that point I remained a tourist. I believed that God would send our babies when they were supposed to come.

When we began the adoption process it was made very clear to us from the start that it would be a long wait, from 9 months to over 2 years. Our wait from completed home-study to referral was relatively short (just over a year) so while I spent a little more time on P.W., I hadn't moved in.

Then we got our referral and the world changed. Everything looks different. So many changes need to be made that weren't known as necessary before. Priorities have been reassigned and the guilt that generally carries me through has wandered off distractedly. I just don't seem to be operating in the same dimension as everyone else. I've figured it out - I'm on Planet Waiting.

What's it like here? There are a lot of copies of the same few photos. There is the official 8-by-10 framed referral photo, and the complete set of wallet-sized that we both carry around everywhere - just ask. There are the photos on the fridge and over the computer. There is the poster-sized on the mirror, the framed set at work, and the 8-by-10 in my day planner. There is the line drawing at the top of this blog, also on the fridge. There are copies in every Christmas card.
Yesterday I finally figured out how to iron you on to t-shirts, and Daddy wants you on a mug.

There are full suitcases everywhere. Most people spend the days before travel packing; I will spend them unpacking. For now I am considering every possible need.

Shopping for frivolities like Christmas presents or groceries DOES NOT WORK. It doesn't matter what my intentions or what store I am in, all I can buy are things for the babies. A minor breakthrough yesterday - I discovered that by looking for Christmas gifts FROM the babies I was able to purchase one or two things to wrap for someone else.

A LOT of time is spent on the internet. This and Facebook will be a nice way to show the boys what we were doing while they were in Vietnam. Beyond the blog, I have become obsessed with (a) finding someone who has been to Tra Vinh in the past few months to see if they have a photo of the twins - why is it so important that I find older photos? and (b) reading every word of every link of every blog from every family who has ever adopted from Vietnam. Mainly what I've learned is that I can predict nothing, and this is normal. I have to confess that in no post or blog anywhere can I find any evidence that the wait from a Tra Vinh referral to travel has been less that 4 months - which puts us at March 3rd, an impossibly far away day.

Following along with other families who are on their way or already back from Vietnam is one of the truly exciting activities that Planet Waiting has to offer, at least for me, and, unlike shopping, it's free.

Caught up in the ecstasy of names, ages, and photos in that first week I blithely proclaimed that while I was hoping for early travel, I was hoping more that you would be healthy and well-cared for during the wait. Of course I am delighted to hear that you are in a loving and responsible place, even though "responsible", when applied to paperwork, generally means "takes longer". Logically I know that you are okay with your nannies, ensconced in your hammocks, at peace with the world. You are not waiting for me.

I am here, on Planet Waiting, howling my longing for you.

Adapted from "The Gift of Waiting"
"Adopting is not an easy journey to parenthood because one doesn't exist. That which is precious always comes at great cost... I am glad to pay the price of waiting for my children. But I do so knowing that I can get caught in the cycle of anxiousness and worrying if I am not consciously doing things that grant me release. The waiting has taught me to look beyond this moment, no matter how excruciating, and think of what my children need most. They need a mommy who is minimally fried and who knows how to ford the mightiest rivers in life. This is one of those moments when the rubber of my lofty aspirations hits the road. I must choose to rise above the wait. This is the first gift my children have given me. I am astonished to discover what a precious one it is."