When Can We Meet Them?

When you become a parent through international adoption instead of through the "grow your own" method there are several experiences you miss out on, and by default also on the related memories to one day share with your children.

You don't get that moment of first knowing you're pregnant, or the first kick, or the experience of childbirth. You probably don't get the first smile or the first solid food.

Your babies don't get those nine months of growing inside you, next to your heartbeat, to get to know you. In fact, they got to know someone else's heartbeat - then she vanished. After 6 or 7 months they are just settling in with their new "mothers" and learning to trust again - when along we come to whisk them away to another universe where every sight, sound, smell, taste and texture is different.

Please don't take any of the above as a complaint. Our moments of the referral photo, the travel date, the first meeting, and the arrival home are no less meaningful and joyful than those we miss. I would not change the joys that this process has brought with it so far for anything!

That is why we are of mixed feelings as to when our boys will be ready for socializing. On the one hand, we want events like their arrival in Canada and their welcome party to be attended by everyone who wants to be there. We really want them to be able to look back one day and know and hear about just how many people were waiting for them. On the other, we know how important it is that they stay with us, literally stuck right to us, for the first months or more.

So to answer the title question - As long as you understand some of the delicacies of the attachment process and are willing and able to put their needs ahead of yours, you can meet them whenever you like...

Here are some tips from www.a4everfamily.org :

Prepare Family and Friends
When the baby comes home, it is highly recommended that you stick close to home and give the baby time to learn who Mommy and Daddy are before introducing other people. Your baby will need time to adjust to all of the new changes in his life before being overwhelmed by more unfamiliar people and places. Some babies show outward signs of anxiety and distress and others hide their feelings and bottle them up, leaving you to think they are easy-going, which may dramatically change at a later point.

Family and friends often want to help. The best kind of help is for others to run your errands, make dinner, and help with things around the house so that you are free to hold and bond with the baby.

Who Goes to the Airport?
The day your baby comes home is a joyous occasion and many people have been waiting anxiously right along with you. But it is important to remember that while you have been waiting anxiously for your baby, your baby has not been waiting anxiously for you. Think of all the losses he is experiencing and how scary and confusing this must be for him. It is recommended that you not further overwhelm your baby with lots of faces at the airport. Limit holding to only Mother and Father for as long as possible.

Baby’s Experience
For the last six months or more, the expectant parents have been busy. They've painted a room, bought little tee shirts, shoes, and diapers and gone over the baby name book at least a hundred times. Daily, if not hourly, their thoughts turn to the baby waiting for them, thousands of miles away. They take out the precious photo and examine it again and again, wondering "How much older will he look?" The hearts and minds of these loving parents are never too far from this baby. For the baby, however, these folks haven't even been a fleeting thought.

Somewhere, often in a far away country, the baby has already experienced immense loss. For nine months, he lived and breathed with his mother. He learned to know her voice, her smell, her moods-both good and bad-and her sleep. At birth, he abruptly lost everything he had grown to love. He may show signs of grieving at the time, or he may store the loss deep in his brain and body, at a visceral level that will become more obvious with time.

At the time of birth, a child perceives himself as being one and the same as his birth mother. He does not recognize that they are two separate individuals. Physically, his respiration and heart rate regulates in sync with hers. Emotionally, he sees the world through her eyes. Her anxiety is his. Her joy and contentment are his. So what happens when a part of him, the part that regulates not only the physical, but also the emotional, disappears?

Perhaps he is placed in a foster home at birth. He spends his days getting to know the smells, voice, tastes, and moods of his new caretaker. Although it is hard to trust, having already lost a mommy, he enjoys the soft touches and the warm feeling he gets when she fills his tummy. He feels confused and worried, not knowing who this person is and what happened to his first love.

If he spends time in a hospital or orphanage, his little body grows increasingly anxious. After all, he can only focus about nine inches from his face, and the images that move in and out of that space are constantly changing.

In both cases, the sheer separation from the birth mother can put his body on high alert. The primitive part of his brain, the "fight or flight" center, works overtime, flooding with cortisol, sending the body messages akin to that of an adult who senses his life is in danger. "Will I get food?" "Who will comfort me?" "Will I survive?" A variety of factors-genetic predisposition, prenatal environment, ongoing transitions, early environment-contribute to the level at which the child is affected. The initial abandonment alone affects his brain and body, with hospitalization, foster homes, orphanages, multiple placements, and pain increasing the potential for long-term attachment issues.

And then, without warning, it happens again. Just as he is getting accustomed to the new caretakers in his life, he is suddenly handed to a stranger. This person's hair, skin, smell, and voice are all wrong. The stranger takes him to a place filled with people. They go and go and go for what seems like an eternity. Eventually, the child is handed to more strangers. Bright lights flash everywhere. Nothing smells right. Nothing sounds right. Nothing looks right.

The adults are in love. The baby is in shock.

Don't worry - we just keep on loving. And it all works out in the end.