Confessions

I've always been an Internet junkie, so I was familiar with the world of adoption blogs right from the start, but I have to confess I didn't really get it. I wanted to be one of those people who is able to document their thoughts eloquently enough for the world to read but (a)I was suspicious that my thoughts might be lacking in substance, let alone eloquence and (b)I'm, ummm, well, I'm lazy.

And so it begins. When you put yourself out there for anyone to read, specifically anyone involved with adoption, you really want to present yourself at your best. You want to show that you are loving, caring, intelligent, flexible, patient, kind, spiritual, relaxed, dedicated, able to deal effectively with stress, thankful, happy, gracious, and empathetic - all those wonderful adjectives your references used during your home-study. You do not want to be lazy.

I have to be honest - I am not feeling remotely patient or gracious lately. If I consciously tell myself to relax I can feel a lessening of the tension that is always with me, but the beginnings of physical symptoms of stress belay my belief that I am dealing with it. (I remember reading this in "The Gift of Waiting" - Link List: "And even during periods when we think we are not concerning ourselves with the waiting, the heartburn, psoriasis, colitis, hives and constant fatigue give us away. Our bodies shout the longing of our souls." and thinking, "Ha! I would never be that weak" Ha indeed. Joke's on me now.)

I had also envisioned myself as being a lot more excited and happy and a lot less whiny and selfish, during the waiting to travel period at least. I really can be a patient person, you know. I was fine during the wait for referral - a little anxious about getting older myself, but completely comforted by the idea that everything happens when it should for a reason. Even up through the first few weeks after referral, I remember having thoughts like, "If our paperwork is late getting to the agency that's probably fate helping it to arrive in Vietnam on just the right day to make things go faster in the long run." Where IS that person? I could use her back about now.

How do I feel? Well, I feel like any mother would who had her babies and then was given photos of them and told they would be in an orphanage on the other side of the world for a few months, not sure how long, no you can't visit. Please don't tell me this is not the same thing because I knew going in what the process would be. Would it be easier if you knew beforehand that you wouldn't get your babies at birth? Please don't tell me this is like being pregnant. My babies are born and getting older. I understand what you are saying - that is how I thought it would be; maybe even that's how it is for some people. I even understand if you think I am nuts - I would too, if it weren't for all the other blogs I've read that echo my heart.

Why do I have to confess this all here here? Because it is only because of other women who have been brave enough to do this before me that I know I am okay.

And because above all, I am hopeful. And right now that is all I have to be.